Painful Love

Assalamualaikum.

It was a little while after we know each other that I fall in love with you. I know your stories, I love listening to them. I remember  them. I love your sad stories and your happy ones. I love seeing your happy face. Sometimes you annoys me but I never felt angry. For once, I didn’t felt angry. 

I want to see you everyday.

Your face, your tease, your childish acts.

I asked myself, why this happens to me? I don’t want to fall in love with you. When you say you don’t like it how girls confessed to you, I decided to swallow this love and make it go away. 

We continue to meet each other and everyday I learn something new about you.

 I love it.

Your ugly side, your gentle self, your angry face and grumpy mumbling.

I love all of them.

It should’ve stop.

I told myself, I will keep this secret and then it will fade away. I can do that. For a little while longer, let these feelings go unnoticed and nothing will change.

We will be friends. You will still treat me the same.

But it was cruel. That one fateful day, it just takes one day to ruin me.

It happens.

You meet her.

Now, it’s not only me by your side. 

There is her. She is important. I’m just a friend..

But it will be okay as long as I keep it a secret.

But the feelings were too overwhelming. It poured out and I cried. I didn’t mean to. I don’t want it too.

I guess the secret is out from the bag.

You know it.

Ahh, stupid me. I just can’t keep my plan intact. 

But it’s okay…I will recover. 

All this pretty memories, I’ll keep them in a frame inside my heart.

It makes me cry every time I remembered them because I’m happy with this memories. But they also like little knives cut into my heart and made it bleeds.

It’s okay. The pain reminds me of you.

If you are ever in pain, I will be there. “It’s okay.” I will always say this to you because I will never leave you. No matter what happen.

So, this is my little selfish secret.

I love you.

But I can never say it in words in front of you.

You know it.

But I can’t say it.

I’m torturing myself but whenever you feel like coming back, I am still here.

Only for you.

I will accept you wholly.

Your ugliness, your gentleness, your playfulness and yourself.

I will still love you.

Its not fading away.

But when it does,

I’m sorry. I am gone forever.

By that time,

Let’s be friends. 

Assalamualaikum.
So this post won’t be like those normal daily posts of what going on in my life for a day.
warning: EMO post ahead.
So today I was feeling bitter, stressed and even restless. Cut that, I have been feeling like this since last night. The thing is I think I have said something wrong and she is clearly pissed at me.
I am aware of that. If she’s not pissed then maybe annoyed or irritated. Overall bad emotions.

AND I KNOW IT.

I even asked her but of course she said no  I am fine. No. Its cool.
I didn’t mean to be some nosy prick but dude, I can see that you are upset and its upsetting me! I keep asking and asking and asking and I always got the same answer.
its frustrating and she knows it.
I give you an example, You know your friend is dying from a disease and only she knows the cure to it. You as a friend, wants to help her. Want to be a use of her but she REFUSE to share it with you.
How do you feel? You want to save her life but she wouldn’t tell how.
That is how I have been feeling.

She called, she wants me to talk and yes, I talk, I tell some random shits, some updates of my life and what I heard back from her is like the tip of the iceberg. 
Its like how Haki feels for Saki. 
Its upsetting me, I feel like I want to cry but I can’t (because I’m at student pavilion right now.) 
no..that is one of the reason..I can’t cry because I want to be strong for her. 
I was talking and she is doing her work. What would she feel if I do that to her? I don’t want to come clean, it will turn into a cold war like right now. 
I understand that she is busy and I am not forcing her to do anything. If you can’t text or call, just tell me. Rather than me feeling like I am talking to the phone all by myself. 
Even sometimes in text aside from rp, I hardly get any long reply. 
I know she is action speaks louder than words but right now, I am at Sarawak. I can’t see your actions…can’t you at least show me that you still care?
And if she ever read this post, she will be upset again but hey, I am all alone at this land and I got no one to talk to. I don’t have my sister with me and the one I am close with is currently on a cold war with me. 
Do you know how I feel? No you don’t.
You will never understand. 
You’d be a liar if you say yes.
Kuro signing off. 

p/s: ……

Assalamualaikum~
Today is the day of debate rounds. Its being held at night so we practice for the whole morning. We have to perform once to the head principle of the college I am staying at and I shit you not, he is not scary but very intimidating. He want nothing but the best. 

By the noon we are going to the main hall again for some practice for a main event here at the University. "Majlis Ikrar Pelajar" which is a MUST.
or you can't graduate. Meh.
Well now, for LUNCH. we have PIZZA!! I was so happy to eat something so familiar. The food here didn't taste the same even though they are not not tasty.
It kinda confiscate for yesterday breakfast and evening break. They give us this DELICIOUS sandwich which is layered with ham, eggs and also salads. Everyone got full and I only have half of the sandwhich which makes me sad. Me likey my sandwich ><

After that we continue practice and have more silly jokes.
At night, I am up and high again thanks to the sleep I took in the hall. I dont give a fuck, I was too sleepy QAQ
For the debate we have one lose and one win. We got through to the semi final and we will have to see for tomorrow.
Im signing off now, sorry for the short post but I am tired and my humor juice is dead. HALP. Night.

p/s: am I turning to some high class gypsies like a certain person said to me?! *gasp* 

Assalamualaikum.
this post is for 4th September.
Honestly at this point, I am starting to get used to the long walks. Torturous walk and shit.
Today I was sitting at the front of the line, there is this one Chinese girl. I think she's blind or some sight deficiency. Anyways, since our LO is very caring, they talk to the girl, ask her this and that. When we are about to eat, the LO guy helo her with the foods, even offering to feed her. The girl gently decline but the girls NEXT to me who is perfectly healthy was all like "oohh we are sooo jealous, we want to be feed too~~"
or some shit like that. I was baffled with all this.
I mean yes, the guy is being all sweet and nice but you are perfectly healthy, why would you wish for 

sickness like that girl.
She cant see, she cant join us having fun, she is sitting all alone!!
despite how hospitalize the treatment they gave, she still ends up alone. That also makes me realize that I shouldn't complaint too much about all these things.
I should be grateful with what I had.
That night, we have a meet up for debate. I skipped the previous one and I was scared if I'm falling behind but apparently I didn't. I did think to quit this but I give it a try anyways and I got good review which makes my day. People actually
recognize me as someone who can debate all on my own :)
Now for the last part, I know I suppose to post this the day before but the thing is for the past three days, I only slept like 2 hours so it was hell for me. I come back to my room, prepares everything and pass out for the count. You cant blame me D<
Kuro is signing off. tata!

p/s: I never felt so sleepy!

Assalamualaikum.
Today is the 1st of September. Where I will be registering at Unimas as a university student. This post is about to summarize all of the things that have been happening to me.
Yesterday we arrived at Kucing Airport around 12 pm-ish. We got burgers for breakfast and lunch (my parents and me) which isn't really fit with my dad traditional taste. (but he had them anyways. hehe)

After that we went to the hotel where we will be staying for the night. The hotel was fun and got good service too. I was too hyped on the scanning card at the elevator. LOL.
We went to buy the last stuffs for me including pail, soap etc etc and take a stroll down the Waterfront near us..We went to look for the famous Kek Lapis Sarawak to no avail. ALL THE SHOP IS CLOSED! Its 31st August. Public holiday for our nation Independence Day.

With (not so) devastated heart we all went back to the hotel and settles in for the night. We did eat some meal before that.
I shit you not that my taste bud just experience a culture shock (not in a good way.)
The next morning, we woke up early. Which is a very hard task for me because its so early and so cold while the bed is so soft and so warm.

The same goes for shower since the water is so warm and outside is so friggin cold. We took a cab and went straight to Unimas.
There I see tons of faces that I didn't know but so sure belong to the same college.
After went through tons of counters and waiting and going through rain (just gotta experience it all today ==), I finally get my room keys. Hooray!
When I look at it, I swear I thought it was somekind of complex code or something.

Lucky for me the nice Liason Officer (LO) brother is willing to help me decipher this impossible code. And to my newest horror I found out that my room is on the third floor. 

(yeah, you can't even see my floor.)
The first thing I decide in my mind is that I will stay in my room for as much as I can. I don't even care if I'm not gonna eat.

Anyways, on my hellish way up a kind uncle help me with my bag. Thank you so much, Uncle. I think I thanked you before but I am not sure because I am so worn out at that point.
BUT THANK YOU.
So there were 4 mini room in the room? and I got the room with another girl. She looks very nice and sweet too. I like her already. I have not yet see the other room/housemate because we all cooped up in our room. (me included.)
My mom and dad left few words to remember by since I will be so far away from home. I will do my best to remember everything and be good.
I got my study table facing the field and more buildings. It was nice for me (a little too bright. HISSS!) and I am done tidying up everything too.
I feel extremely hardworking and I hope its not because heat of the moment only. I really want to get serious now that I'm in a university.
All activities start tomorrow evening and until then, Kuro signing off for today :D

p/s: I have not yet feel home sick but I hope I won't. I don't want to curls into a ball of emotions. >w<